Impossible? Unusable?

My grandfather died on Friday.  I plan on working on a thankful list for this week to share with you the regular things that I’m thankful for as well as some of the things about him (and a few pictures of him) that I’m thankful for, so I’ll talk about that soon.  (This post may meander some.  Thank you for your grace.)

Impossible

Today was his funeral.  My father and my uncle spoke.  It’s hard for me to hear my father speak about his father without feeling strong emotions swirling, but when my uncle spoke I heard some stuff that really related to some issues that I’m working through personally.  His first words he spoke were something like this, “Impossible?  I have told so many people that nothing is impossible with God.  I have read that there was nothing impossible with God so many times, but when I was told that my father wanted me to perform his funeral, my first thought was, ‘That’s impossible.'”

I’ve never doubted that homeschooling was impossible.  My degree is in education.  I thought for sure that I could do better than the school system.  It’s not pride speaking.  I am a teacher/facilitator at heart.

I’ve been mostly home with Firecracker for two years and with Rose for one.  Rose and I have not completely hit our stride yet, but now that I have two years invested in Firecracker (One through a UMS.  One completely at home.), I am beginning to see fruit.

I saw a glimmer tonight.  The kids saw a rabbit.  Here’s the picture they took.

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Firecracker at first suggested that it might be a snowshoe hare.  I was understandable skeptical as snowshoe hares tend to have white fur.

Next, he told me it looks like a hispid hare.  I didn’t recall us encountering that variety before and had to Google it.  He had learned about it on Wild Kratts.  I found out that hispids are actually indigenous to Asia and not to North America.  We’re in a suburb of Atlanta, Georgia, so we definitely don’t have hispids.

We took a picture of the rabbit, and began to search for rabbits native to Georgia that match this rabbit’s description.  It appears to be an Eastern Cottontail.

This is the kind of organic learning that I wanted my children to have.  I wanted them to have an education that was interest-based and made sense in their every day life.  I never believed that having that was impossible.

However, I’ve often thought that funding a homeschooling life might be impossible.  Even when I think it’s possible, when I see a glimmer of hope, our car breaks, we have to replace the hot water heater, our computer dies, or someone has to have surgery.

I worry, and sometimes I lack trust in God because of money.  I realized tonight that I was like Abraham who laughed at God in Genesis 17 when God told him that Sarah would bear a child.  He thought that their age and Sarah’s barrenness were more powerful than God’s ability.

What my uncle spoke to in my heart today was the idea that something that he had seen as impossible was something that he was doing at the same moment that he was telling us that he believed that it was impossible.

I realized that I wanted to put my faith in God and do the impossible.  I want to be used by God.  I want to follow his leading in our home, and his leading is toward homeschooling.

I don’t want to be a grumbling Israelite and be ungrateful of the blessings that God has given me.  I want to trust that he sees what I need.

I don’t want there to be too of much of me in me for God to use me.  I want to see how big my God is.  I don’t want to see how big my problems are.

Sometimes it seems impossible.  Sometimes I feel like I’m unusable.  Sometimes I feel like it’s going to be my fault that our household sinks into a tailspin and we don’t make it financially.  Actually, sometimes I feel like everything bad that happens in my life is my fault, and I know that isn’t true.  (My father would remind me that the rain falls on the just and the unjust if he heard me say that!)

I sometimes think that God gave me the two babies so close together so that I wouldn’t be tempted to try and work and chase after more money.  Those two precious toddlers have been one of the biggest and most unexpected ways that God has changed my life and begun a real work in my life.  With fear and trembling, I realize that I must obey.

As I see God work more and more in my life, and as I see him bring me through more and more in my life, I am beginning to have a history of him rescuing me.  I begin to see the miraculous that happens to me every day.  Is anything impossible?  No.  Am I ever unusable? No.  Are my problems bigger than God’s power?  Never.

I just have to remember that he’ll take the areas of my life where I feel the most unable, the most unusable and he’ll turn those areas into the places where he can show his power.

That’s what he did with Abraham and Sarah.  He took an area that even the idea of God working in it made Abraham laugh, and he used it to show how powerful he is and how he always keeps his promises.

I can rest in the trust that he’ll do the same for me.  In fact, I can even glory in my infirmities because that’s where God has the most potential to show off his power.

 

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