I’ve alluded to the fact that I’ve been suffering with generalized anxiety disorder. In fact, 2017 has been a long and often disappointing year for me. I’ll be glad when we flip past January into the hopefulness of a new year. Things are looking up a little, but my anxiety has waxed and waned in ways that have occasionally taken me by surprise.
When I was reading David Powlison’s How Does Sanctification Work?, I found a quote that I wrote down. I’ve been pulling it out and mediating on the words from time to time, letting them seep down deeply into my soul. This is the quote:
I learned to identify specific situational triggers for my anxiety. I learned how anxiety presumes a great distance between God and my present concerns. I learned how anxiety puts distance between me and others—it is the opposite of loving people. I learned to identify deviant motives: self-trust, over concern for the opinions of others, desire to control outcomes, love of ease–all these erase God and make this my universe not his.
Some days I struggle and feel weighted down. I struggle to believe that God cares or is near to me. Other days I know that God is near to the broken hearted. I come to him broken, begging for healing and knowing that this struggle is in my life because he appointed to be for my sanctification.
I’m learning. I’m making progress. I’m not there yet. However, I’m still in the struggle, and I’m still happy to be able to wrestle. Even happier on the days that I see God and am able to find that I trust in his sovereignty and in his care for me. These days are outnumbering the bad days most of the time right now. I’m not healed yet, but sometimes I am seeing how the healing is working in my life, and how I am cracked and yet beautiful.